“WHAT haven’t I done to please him? Am I going to lose my life before he realizes how much I love and respect him?”
These and many other questions come before me regularly.
It hurts when
you put in your all only to realize that your best wasn’t good enough.
I acknowledge the fact that there are men who will not change no matter
how much you put in. But I also know that there are some good men out
there who have been driven away by their own wives into the arms of
another woman. C’mon girls, let’s look at those terrible mistakes we
often make in marriages:
Insecurity
Some women are so insecure; they threaten other women especially the
ones they see talking to their husbands. They put all their effort into
that instead of focusing on the energy that will keep their marriage
strong. If women could learn to focus on their marriage and not let
petty things like cheap talk get in the way, then the marriage might
have a chance.
I feel sad each time I see women fight other women for wanting
their husband. I have told this story countless number of times about a
family friend who lost her three months pregnancy just because she went
to fight husband’s girlfriend. She has not been pregnant again.
Fighting a woman for your husband means you have very low
self-esteem, you have no respect for your husband, or you got him the
crooked way and so you must struggle all your life to keep him because
you know you are not good enough for him. And for your information, I
have seen men pack to another house bought by them for their girlfriend
just because madam tried beating up the girl.
You may end up losing that precious thing you want to keep to
yourself if you continue the way you are going. Even if the man wants to
be too civil, he will leave that very one you know and move to another.
How many are you going to fight? Stop going to his office at odd times
just because you want to know who visits him. Allow the man to relax and
occasionally catch fun with friends.
They must not womanize when they are together. Stop making yourself
a beer parlour woman by your constant visits with him. We know you are
not going there because you love it; you just want to satisfy your
restless soul. Don’t kill yourself with irrelevancies.
Busybody
I receive messages from women crying out in pain because they saw
certain messages on his phone. One recently called me and said she saw a
message from a woman addressing her husband as “darling”. The man’s
response was a very official one. I did my best to convince her by
telling her there may not be anything between them as colleagues (this
isn’t acceptable at the work place) and high school friends use such for
each other.
But I want to ask you a question: what are you looking for in his
phone? The earlier you learn to get your ears and eyes off his phone,
the longer you will live. Get busy with something meaningful and you
will no longer have time for his phone. Avoid those unfriendly friends
who come to you with stories of your husband’s sexcapades. Have you
cared to ask what they were doing in that hotel when they saw him? Many
of them want your man and the only way they can have him is to get you
out of the way.
Unfriendliness Towards In-Laws
Ladies, this is still Africa and communal living is part of our
culture. I support the idea of marriage and issues surrounding it being
discussed and solved in the bedroom. But I don’t support the idea of
women trying to make their in-laws strangers in the home. If you want
peace in your home, your mother-in-law must become your mother while
your sister-in-law becomes a sibling. If you know how to pound, pound in
the mortar; if you don’t know how to pound, pound on the ground.
Do not isolate yourself from your husband’s relatives. Remember
you will need them any time so try and stay connected to them no matter
how hard they may seem to be. You will be building a strong family
foundation for your children too. Don’t deny them the privilege of
knowing their hometown and relations just because you want to act “on
top of the world”. Allow them go to the stream and enjoy the beauty of
the rural area.
No Sex
Women are so emotional and tend to use sex as a tool to punish their
husbands after a fight. They deny their husbands sex and in doing so,
sometimes the husbands tend to look elsewhere. Don’t listen to that
foolish woman advising you to deny him sex so as to get that new car or
money. Girls, very beautiful ones are everywhere and they are ever
available to help you do the work. And for your information, that woman
acting tough may be a slave to her husband.
One of those devilish women was at my office sometime ago. One of
my workers told me how she tried to convince them to agree that they
must always demand money from their husbands before sex. Isn’t she a
prostitute in her home?
Nagging
Another thing that can really irritate a man is when you complain too
much. Nagging or even being too much of a critic will surely not go
down well with him. Women fail to understand that love is not owning a
man entirely. He shouldn’t lose his individuality because he is married
to you. This occurs more in marriages than in dating because for some
crazy reason, some women think that once they have a man wearing a ring
on his finger, that they can abuse him all they want. Women may not
realize that nagging is abuse, but to most men, it is a form of abuse
that they silently endure until they have had enough. Give the man space
and occasionally advise him. He is your husband and not your son.
Unfriendly Friends
Sometimes, women normally choose the wrong people to discuss their
issues with. They think all the friends they have are there to listen to
them and in the end they find themselves with very wrong advice. Women
should always be careful when choosing friends, especially the ones they
open their hearts to. Don’t just pour your heart out to someone. Some
people are out to destroy others. You keep wondering why your husband is
getting worse even after all the prayers and visit to church without
knowing that your darling friend tells him and his relations all you say
about them. Even if she doesn’t tell him, her advice to you may be just
to destroy your home.
Appearance
If you think you are married and can now stop taking care of your
appearance, you are so wrong. Stay attractive and be sure you are not
the one pushing him out with your looks. Keep the look he fell in love
with. Staying attractive is not about bleaching your skin because his
girlfriend is light complexioned. He fell in love with a dark skin, keep
it for him. He saw a flat tummy and well toned hips and fell in love.
Please keep them the way he first met them.
Childbirth is never an acceptable reason for big tummy and wrong
choice of bra. Changing church is not a reason to ignore those lovely
hairdos he was attracted to. You can wear your African hairstyles and
still be attractive. For some time now, my hairstyles are strictly
African. He saw you first in a fitted dress; why do you now feed his
eyes with those oversized skirts?
Keeping Secrets
Some women are dishonest. They moment they get married, they become
unhappy and start hiding things from their husbands. They become
secretive to the point where they alienate themselves from a
relationship. Always tell your man the truth. Remember that he loves you
for who you are. Let him know where the land or house you bought is. If
he is your husband and not a stranger, he will know what you own. And
who knows; you may die before him. Don’t go with the mindset that your
husband must not be your next of kin. If you don’t trust him, why close
your eyes while lying next to him?
Inability To Feed Him
A good number of women no longer bother to know how their husbands
feed. Madam, because you have ten stewards doesn’t mean you should
ignore your husband. You may not always be there to serve him, but
please prepare his soup yourself. It’s sad to note that women now use
domestic staff to cover up their inability to cook well. There is a
saying in my place: “a mother’s food tastes different”. Your children
and husband want to eat mummy’s food.
Too Accommodating
Heitler calls it “appendage-itis,” in which the wife is basically
being an accessory to the husband, instead of being a full and equal
partner in marriage. Usually, they’re afraid it could make a fight or
some unpleasantness, or they just think somehow, on a subconscious
level, in order to preserve the relationship, they have to diminish what
they themselves want. The sense of helplessness leads to anger that
eventually boils over. It’s always a very devastating one. Always let
the man know when his actions don’t go down well with you. You must not
agree with him at all times. And don’t forget, he listens to you and
allows you to control him when he sees a submissive wife. This is why
you must marry your friend.
Godlessness
You have pushed God aside for your husband and material things.
Remember, He is the one who gives you power to make wealth. Never
worship the gift more than the giver. God can take away that thing that
is precious to you because he doesn’t want to lose you. Don’t remember
God only in times of trouble; go close to him now that you are happy.
Your lovely husband is a gift from God, never serve him more than God
Himself.
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